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Devil's AdvocateRE: Dear RED STATES
Sounds good, but I'd miss ZZ Top, I'd miss Moon Pies, and besides, I've got
a whole passel of red-state relatives who think Dubya is just great.
I'm not sure that re-starting the Civil War is the answer.
Let's try to understand Bush supporters-- aside from a few cynical
plutocrats, most Bush supporters are basically good-hearted folks (like my
Mom) who were raised in very socially conservative households and would
vote for a bag of popcorn if it ran on a ProLife platform. Anything that
even vaguely smells of hippiedom is anathema to them.
They would help you if they found you lying in the middle of the road. Your
wallet would be safe. They work hard for their families, and they're so
busy working their butts off making a living that they really don't have
time to read the news. THAT'S KEY.
And honestly, they've been underwhelmed by the Democrats' less-than-awesome
marketing of less-than-inspiring candidates who kinda lacked charisma,
whereas Dubya has this aura that makes ya think he wants to be your
drinkin' buddy. It's a gift that not everybody has.
Look at Gore. He was a Southerner, a VietNam vet, a sportsman, a genuine
bubba, and still the Red States would have none of it. The fact that they
chose Captain AWOL over Gore points to feeble Democratic campaigning and,
possibly, Al's stiff public persona.
Even when you have a good product, ya gotta sell, sell, sell. Ditto for
Kerry. A good guy, but you can't afford to shoot yourself in the foot when
you are up against the GOP, the best salesmen the world has ever seen. And
Kerry did shoot himself in the foot more than a few times.
The Red Staters had reasons to vote for Dub. We may not be able to fully
comprehend those reasons, but WE CANNOT write these people off as HeeHaw
goofballs and inbred haters. You will not win over anybody if you insult
them, contrary to what Howard Dean thinks. Resist the urge. Reach out. Try
to find some common ground.
> [Original Message]
> From: Luis Angulo <firstname.lastname@example.org>
> To: <Loopers-Delight@loopers-delight.com>
> Date: 9/12/2005 4:34:22 AM
> Subject: Dear RED STATES
> This sounds great if you dont mind i am coming with
> > Dear Red States...
> > We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our
> > own country, and we're
> > taking just the Blue States with us.
> > In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii,
> > California, Oregon,
> > Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois
> > and all the Northeast.
> > We believe this split will be beneficial to the
> > nation, and especially to
> > the people of the new country.
> > To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all
> > the slave states. We get
> > stem cell research and the best beaches. We get
> > Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken
> > Lay.
> > We get the Statue of Liberty. We get Hollywood and
> > Yosemite... You get
> > Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get
> > WorldCom and Enron. We get
> > Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of
> > America's venture capital
> > and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get
> > two-thirds of the tax revenue,
> > you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
> > Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower
> > than the Christian
> > Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You
> > get a bunch of single
> > moms.
> > Please be aware that the new country will be
> > pro-choice and anti-war, and
> > we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq
> > at once. If you need
> > people to fight, ask your politicians and
> > evangelicals. They have kids
> > they're apparently willing to send to their deaths
> > for no purpose, and they
> > don't care if you don't show pictures of their
> > children's caskets coming
> > home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that
> > the WMDs turn up, but
> > we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's
> > Quagmire.
> > With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm
> > control of 80 percent of the
> > country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the
> > pineapple and lettuce, 92
> > percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of
> > America's quality wines
> > (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90
> > percent of all cheese, 90
> > percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S.
> > low-sulfur coal, all
> > living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy
> > and Seven Sister schools,
> > plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
> > With the Red States, on the other hand, you will
> > have to cope with 88
> > percent of all obese Americans (and their projected
> > health care costs), 92
> > percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent
> > of the tornadoes, 90
> > percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all
> > Southern Baptists, virtually
> > 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,
> > Bob Jones University,
> > Clemson and the University of Georgia.
> > Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states
> > believe Jonah was
> > actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe
> > life is sacred unless
> > we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44
> > percent say that
> > evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam
> > was involved in 9/11, and
> > 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are
> > people with high morals.
> Yahoo! Mail - PC Magazine Editors' Choice 2005