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Christmas Gear Wish-List
Knowing what a bunch of gear-heads we sometimes have been, I thought you
may be interested in these brand new effects.
NEW AND IMPROVED EFFECTS PEDALS FOR MUSICIANS
Makes the guitar truly sound like its master.
Thickens sounds by adding successive layers of hiss and noise.
Subtly converts wedding-rings into pinky-rings when in presence of sexy
Changes the relative volume your instrument so that you can't hear it
Gives vintage down-trodden slave effect.
Gives one the ability to play instrument while drinking beer,
emphasizing "pro" capabilities.
Takes mundane lyrics and turns them into a Greek tragedy.
Safety-device to keep fans from getting too close to your stage effects.
Makes instruments sound like 1992-1994.
Used to help guitarists make difficult transition from success to
Adds/subtracts time needed to yield a complimentary phase.
Ominizes weak vocals.
New effect that turns simple little ditties into critically acclaimed
Tricks audience from seeing though inadequate musicianship by adding
sheen to musician's sound.
Grand Funk Equalizer:
Makes everyone sound like an American Band.
And here are a few from another list I was sent...
Time distortion: Makes guitar solos seem longer. Can also be achieved by
Blame shifter: Shifts the pitch of mistakes down one octave so that the
audience thinks it was the bass player.
Depander: Filters out popular cover songs.
Overjive: Makes Hootie songs sound like Parliament.
Active pickups: Amplifies "signals" sent to attractive audience members.
Fluff box: Filters out excessive musical substance.
Rehash: Stores and plays back your favorite riffs constantly and
Feedback Eliminator: Drowns out "constructive criticism."
Band Pass Filter: Eliminates sexual advances between band members.
Depressor: Changes any chord to E minor.
Paralytic Equalizer: Makes you as good as other guitarists by injecting
them with nerve toxins.